Saying “no” is one of the things I am working on in this season. I’ve read blogs, watched LIVE Instagram discussions, and had conversations with my own therapist about this. I know I’m not alone; at the very least, the women in the Daddy Issues Healing Circle with me have confirmed being People Pleasers at some point in their lives. As women with Daddy Issues, a huge barrier to achieving healthy self-esteem is saying “no”. We struggle with performing for people to like us. In our minds, we think missing out on something with peers threatens our relevance and relationships.
Time to nip this in the bud. Roll with me; I’m here to offer tips on how to overcome People Pleasing by saying “yes” to you and setting boundaries when you need to.
1. Become familiar with the critic
In my book I write about the voice of my dad being critical. I have a few other critics, of course, who I allowed to negatively judge me and hinder me from great opportunities. The critic in all of us thrives on fear. The voice has us convinced we can’t achieve something. We eventually believe them. Who do you hear when you are making a decision? Once identified, understand this: if there was a negative message coming from them most times, it’s likely their own issues. This is your chance to remember how the projection of their fears on us has everything to do with them, and therefore, are not our problem. Challenge their ideas. How, you ask? Read on to my next point.
2. Know your own values
I’ve talked about this several times before! What are the Standard Operating Procedures for [insert your name here]? Having an idea of what you base your relationships on helps you set proper boundaries. For example, if you value peace, you’ll want to reevaluate the chaos you have around you. Start building a personal mission statement. It can look like this:
I’m Christian Jackson. I value peace, family, and overall growth. Therefore anything outside of my intentions to keep these things in tact will need removal and/or a strong boundary.
You may have more values than this, I do! Regardless, use the items you choose to help guide decisions. It will surely help so your “no” means “no”. As a people pleaser, this also helps you remember the importance of what you want/need to do for yourself instead of others.
3. Barriers to the Boundaries
What’s the barrier to saying “no”? I mentioned the fear of missing out (AKA FOMO). Can you identify the true benefit of your participation? Because, I’m pretty sure other opportunities will come--you may be able to create your own! If the critic is the barrier, then recall the messages you heard and determine whether they serve you at this time. It was likely them projecting fear onto you; it’s not your responsibility to carry. Finally, try a “thought experiment”, where you imagine the situation and possible outcome. It’s not like imagining the worst; the point is to imagine the version of yourself you strive to be in the situation. Consider: what’s the worst that can happen if you say “no”? Get in touch with what it feels like to actually set the boundary.
People Pleasers all have one thing in common: that inability to set strict healthy boundaries AKA “saying no”. It’s not a weakness! You’re likely a person who thinks of others first, which is a sweet quality to have. We are simply talking about doing so while also ensuring thoughtfulness is not at your expense.
Comment below on how you plan to overcome People Pleasing. I look forward to engaging!